The Devil is Inside YOU!

“Husbands are so lucky! They don’t have to do anything after work, they can take time to rest while we have to complete the household chores as well!” this statement from my friend Radha came as a straight shock to me. The acceptance of the fact that it is the woman who is responsible for her household, while if the man does anything, it is an obligatory effort & worthy of praise, is bewildering. It baffles me how we take ourselves for granted and assume roles and responsibilities as per the societal structures. We simply ignore the reality of time – the fact that society is changing and so is the role of any individual. No longer are jobs and roles as gender specific as they once used to be. Women are encouraged to go out and work, albeit without neglecting their home. But the problem with this is that probably, we are not as used to a man looking after the house as to a woman stepping outside the house. This is nothing but an unfair distribution of work and instead of quelling such expectations, reactions like that of my friend are only encouraging it.

Another side effect of this is the burden of working which women feel. “People will start judging me if I leave my job and just sit at home” – said Uma after a tiresome day at the office, a place which she loathed. But at the same time she was highly determined to carry on with the meaningless quotidian routine at her workplace. Did she have a financial obligation? Did her husband and children demand for her to go out and earn her living? The answer to all these questions will be negative, but still she felt that she may be denigrated by society if she allowed herself to become “only a housewife!” This was a result of the bigoted treatment women in her family were given if they did not have a tag of being a service woman attached to them. In order to avoid the passive beating that she felt she had been subjected to, she forced herself to fit into this societal norm. I sometimes wonder if she is repeating the cycle and subconsciously making her children the legatees to the same message – that as girls, they are not worthy enough if they do not go out to earn bread.

It is very apparent that we start blaming ourselves very easily, probably because that is what we have seen our elders do, typically our mothers and their mothers and the generations before. In fact, our minds have become so accustomed to such situations that a lot of us may not even feel that we are subjugated to centuries old patriarchy. If the elderly would have spoken up against the unfair actions and reactions, I am sure people like Uma could have gathered the courage to speak their mind without feeling bound by some social stigma. However, contrary to giving support, cases where a woman tries to subdue another, are rife. This starts from our homes, where a new bride suffers at the hands of her in laws. Ironically, when time gives power in her hands to improve the situation as she takes on the mantle of mother in law, she vents out the frustration stored within for all these years, repeating the age long hackneyed acts again. While a mother is supposed to be an epitome of love, a negative image surfaces on the mention of “mother in law”. Come to think of it, the difference is only “in-law”. Is it big enough to have the kind of effect that we generally experience?

Talk about the corporate world, we are globally struggling with the situation that only a miniscule percentage of women reach the top of the ladder. Even if some super girl crosses all the barriers and reaches a position of power, rarely do we see “she” advocating for “her” as strongly as a man backs up another man. The lady in power finds it difficult to ignore or rectify the same stereotypes and hindrances that she worked so hard to overcome, for others who may want to follow her. I wonder how can we expect men to feel for and look over those difficult situations when a woman who actually experienced it cannot! Having said that, the onus to rise up the ladder lies more on oneself than some third party. How and more importantly why, will someone consider helping me if I myself prefer self-pity over self-help? Appraisals are generally happy news, with bonuses and increased salaries. But Akriti was upset the day appraisal letters were distributed as she was deprived of a well-deserved promotion just because she went on maternity leave in the last month of the year. While she should have raised her voice and asked for justice, she preferred pacifying herself with the logic that women are generally given such treatment during pregnancy, so how can she be any different! This attitude is not only true for females but for a lot of us irrespective of gender. It is clearly not only the responsibility of the person in power to give a helping hand but also of others to raise a hand asking for help.

Cases where women are left bereft of support from their own community do not end here. A rape victim is criticized by both genders equally, throwing the concept of “pitiful victim” down the drain. While a widower is supported, prompted to re-marry and start his life again, widows are pushed to enter the black and white world with as much force by women as by men. In fact, something as natural a thing as the menstrual cycle is seen as a curse and a disease and we women, prefer punishing and weighing the sufferer under the burden of unjust and painful customs instead of giving a soothing hand.

The devil lies within each one of us, which convinces us that the best we can do is blame the outside world for the troubles we are facing and continue to suffer without taking any actions. Every time we submit to an unjust act, justifying ourselves with the validity of the same, every time we callously embrace the servile attitude, we actually feed into this monster that draws the curtain on our reasoning a little more. If only we could remove these curtains and see how we are pushing ourselves into the dark hollows of distrust and self-doubt, causing self-inflicted pain! As a given, it becomes the responsibility of those in positions of power, either in the corporate sector or the social circles or even in households, to give a hand in support of the rest. If only her mother in law would tell Radha that her husband is also an equal stakeholder in the household work, if only Uma would not have experienced belittling only because some people felt that managing the house is no work in itself, if only the raped, the widowed and every other victim was comforted rather than being punished because society has decided to be unjust to her, these kinds of reactions which come so naturally to a majority of us would have been curbed. It is time that we react and awaken the rational viewpoints sleeping in us, or else we would only be committing the crime of allowing the devil inside us draw the curtain a little more in the wrong direction.